“Check on your strong friends” is more than a slogan. The men who seem the most solid — the ones holding everything together, cracking jokes, never complaining — are often the ones struggling the most quietly. Men die by suicide at nearly four times the rate of women (CDC, 2024), and one reason is that nobody asked until it was too late.
Checking on a man in your life is simple. It is also one of the most important things you can do. Here is how.
Don’t Ask “How Are You?” — Ask Better
“How are you?” gets “Fine” every time. It is a reflex, not an answer. Try something that cannot be answered with one word:
- “How are you really doing — honestly?”
- “You seem a bit off lately. What’s going on?”
- “I’ve been thinking about you. How’s work / the family / everything sitting with you?”
- “When’s the last time you felt like yourself?”
Then — and this is the hard part — wait. Let the silence sit. Men often need a few seconds to decide whether it is safe to answer honestly. If you fill the silence, they will take the exit you offered.
What to Watch For
Men do not always show distress the way people expect. Watch for changes, not stereotypes:
- Withdrawing — declining invitations, going quiet in the group chat, spending more time alone
- Irritability or anger — snapping over small things, road rage, picking fights
- Drinking or using more than usual, or using it to sleep
- Sleep changes — up all night, or sleeping all day
- Losing interest — in hobbies, work, the gym, the kids
- Recklessness — driving too fast, risky decisions, not caring about consequences
- “I’m fine” on repeat — especially when everything around him says otherwise
One change on its own might mean nothing. A pattern is worth a conversation.
What to Say — and What Not to Say
Say: “I’m here.” “You don’t have to carry this alone.” “Want to talk, or just hang out?” “I’ve noticed this, and I care about you.” Offer something concrete: “Want me to drive you to an appointment?” “Can I sit with you while you make the call?”
Do not say: “Man up.” “Other people have it worse.” “Just think positive.” “You’ll get over it.” And do not try to fix it in one conversation. You are not his therapist. You are the reason he might call one.
If He Opens Up
Listen more than you talk. Believe him. Thank him for trusting you. Then help with the next step — offer to help him call a provider, or offer to call together. If he is in crisis or you think he might hurt himself, stay with him and call or text 988 together, or text HOME to 741741.
And keep checking. One conversation is a start, not a finish. Check back in a few days. Men remember who asked twice.
How to Get Help for Him — or Yourself
A Body & Mind Health Services offers counseling, CBRS, case management, and peer support for men across Idaho — in Boise, Middleton, Twin Falls, Moscow, and Kamiah, plus telehealth statewide. We accept most insurance plans in Idaho, and Medicaid is welcome. We are now welcoming new clients, and we currently have openings.
Call 208-683-8320 or visit the Get Started page at abmhealthservices.com. Check on your strong friends — and if you are the strong friend, let someone check on you.
If you are in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time, day or night.